but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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