He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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