I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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