I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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