i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
