Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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