Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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