ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
