My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I want her autograph on my taint
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
