I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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