I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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