found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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