we're chasing vodka with high fives
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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