Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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