At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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