i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
