I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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