Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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