i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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