Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We left an ass print on the piano.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
