Got a toothbrush?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
