I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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