3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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