I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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