i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
