so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize