He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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