that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
