weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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