Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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