Nicole vs. Life
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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