Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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