If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize