Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
