And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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