Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
