I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize