we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
