wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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