i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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