Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
