I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
