Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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