seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
