I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
