I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
