I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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