Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
