she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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