It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
