Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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