ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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