Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
