After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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