Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
